Hysteria hits the house ... Alpaca's tell all.
I absolutely, positively, unreservedly, promise, this will be the last blog on this topic.
The pathetic spectacle of the Bachelor 2020 continued to haunt me once again. With my jaw in traction, and under strict medical supervision (in a room with padded walls and cushions) I staggered through Episodes 5 and 6, as the demonic damsels reached a tear filled cathartic crescendo on Thursday night.
I thought for one short moment, that Locky might have been euthanised during the fencing “date” with Irena. Her swift parry with the sabre almost castrated the luckless Locky. But like a cat with 9 lives and 17 girls in waiting he survived to pash again. Add one star struck fencing teacher to the list of admirers. Only replays will determine if in fact he was seen dribbling in Locky’s direction. An awkward dynamic is now in play with Irena and her new found, “in the house”, “bestie friend Bella.” Bella you will recall had only just recovered from her naughty nautical adventure and the experience of a lifetime.. Locky’s tongue down her throat and tickling her tonsils. The only possible solution is to invite Locky to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and convert to Mormonism. Polygamy is looking good. If I was a betting man I’m voting for the Mormon solution.
The other daytime activity consisted of a game of “strategic CHEST.”
Australia’s finest cosmetic surgeons were watching their pumped and plumped handy work parading on the Chest Board of life. Pageant Queen Gemma, with a permanent dent in her head from her previous crowns, completely dashed the beauty queen stereo-type, that all beauty queens are Rhodes scholars having completed a thesis, published in 120 languages. Gemma in an extraordinary confession admitted that part of her pre-beauty pageant prep was to watch the evening news, so she would be ready for the ‘really hard questions’. One could even detect Locky, in his own intellectually challenged world, not quite understanding Gemma's reference to ‘space jumping’ as ‘base jumping’......
This was truly the Bachelor’s 2020 dumb and dumber moment.
But the real drama of the episodes once again manifested itself during the “cocktail” hour. Predictably the producers applied our sexy sirens with so much booze that they were audibly slurring their insults and invective. Even the Alpaca's who photo bombed eye-reba and Locky on the couch were feeling nervous. Indeed I am reliably informed that the RSPCA has been put on notice so it can investigate whether any other animals are being subjected to this form of cruelty, that is, being forced to listen to this gut wrenching tripe.
The final cocktail hour, saw a descent into hell, and enough tears fell to replenish Warragamba dam during the drought.
Was it the tasteful mud wrestling in a bath filled with Uncle Toby’s oats? Was it the sight of Locky in Bonds GuyFront trunks? As an aside, this inspired piece of theatre failed dismally and Charley failed to receive a rose and Locky failed to receive a rise..
And then from mud bath to blood bath...
But before turning to this climax, it would assist if I provided a glossary of terms so that viewers can better understand the dialectic subtlety and verbal nuances of this riveting script.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS - Bachelor 2020
Chest game………………………………...17 DD Cups, on a Chess Board
Space jumping…………………………….Base jumping pageant queen style
Besties…………………………………….......2 girls tongue kissing the same man
Not a bad rig…………………………….....A disappointing rig in jocks
You are trash……………………………....Something you put on the street when you don’t get a rose
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Gold Coast trash………………………….Trash with lots of bling on the street when you don’t get a rose
Girl code………………………………….......Openly watching other girls pash the guy you are about to pash and all agreeing it is ok
Super pissed…………………..................Drunk
Super pissed off…………………………...Drunk and angry
He’s so beautiful I can’t even handle it…...Should have gone to spec savers
We are not at a titty bar………………….............Should have gone to spec savers
Malibu Barbie……………………………....................A special life sized barbie found in a titty bar
Cackle Cackle, witch witch………….Shakespearean reference from McBeth without apple pie
Cue the crying……………………………....When told the only man left in the world is Locky Gilbert and he lives in Bali
Thought it was a cocktail party not a funeral...At least at a wake you get a curried egg sandwich
L-o-o-k at meeeee……………………….Trying to get someone’s attention after 6 cocktails
Chill out Bro………………………………….Definitely go to spec savers
Wa Wa………………………………………......A province in China?
Talk to the hand…………………………...The thing that you say when you want them to notice your mani
Everything has gone skitz……………17 DD cups up shit creek
I ain’t gunna take no shit from no-one………..One angry DD Cup up shit creek
Up shit creek…………………………………....................Unlucky enough to be on the Bachelor 2020
More embarrassing than my regrowth after 6 weeks…...Too much information
One big hot mess……………………………Locky in a porridge bath
Strewth……………………………………………The quintessential Australian phrase for just about everything
Throw you under the bus………………A plea to use more public transport
Roxi’s head is her worst enemy……False statement, the tattoo’s win
What the f…k. And OMG…………………Much used terms of endearment reinforced at the finest ladies finishing schools
She has schemes coming out of her eyeballs…………Definitely go to Spec Savers
There is some shit that is going to go down…………….No shit Sherlock
The blood bath, or was it the booze bath, reached a new low. I have said this many times, this time we are below sea level. With few exceptions, these “beautiful women” turned toxic trolls, displayed every aspect of socially reprehensible conduct now universally condemned by parents and society.
The bullying; the vitriol; the animus; the gang warfare; the venom; the histrionics; this foul mouthed tantrum filled spectacle (all in school formal dresses with heaving cleavages) reached the bottom of the sewer pit. For one desperate second I though that with a bath tub full of Uncle Toby’s second hand oats available, that the tattooed lady of the Bachelor Circus, Roxi, and her nemesis Malibu Barbie, would have entertained us all with a good old fashioned no holds barred porridge wrestle.
But sadly Roxi left the field of battle with so many expletives flying out of her mouth that the sensor’s bleeper sounded like a reversing Mac Truck.
Mercifully, Osher in his Cadbury inspired ill-fitting suit, standing next to Locky, also in an ill-fitting suit, (can someone please tell the Bachelor to engage a decent tailor?) made a dramatic announcement and stated that the World Health Organisation had shut down the Bachelor 2020. This week we will learn if it is, as I fear, an outbreak of herpes, or another transmittable disease? In any event it was a real show stopper….. and what a pity that it couldn’t be permanent.
I promise this will be my very, very last blog on the virus, known as the Bachelor 2020.
Never give up on love..
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JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”.
Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome, JD is every woman’s dream.
He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs, so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and on online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.
JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist; he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.
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